Stoopid Boyz

So I was at a pretty darn expensive children's clothing store yesterday. They are a chain, and associated with a set of franchises that run pretty darn expensive exercise and art classes for children. I am hunting for an item that doesn't have some darling pattern or collar that renders it unfit to mix and match with the Bean's wild collection of fall hand-me-downs. There is a lady already at cash, and she is talking with the cashier. Their conversation goes something like this:

Woman "The problem is, what do we do about daddies and (store name)?"

Cashier "I know! They're so tense about money!"

Woman "Well, they don't really need to know what it costs, do they?"

(both laugh)

I have the unfortunate habit of hearing things and not reacting to them until much later, so I didn't really register the whole thing until this morning. I just woke up thinking, "Why is the cat howling next to the Bean's sleeping head for no visible reason?" And after that, I thought, "What was with those women in (store name) yesterday?"

When did we decide that fathers don't need to be informed, much less involved, in what goes on with their kids? Aren't they putting money in? Don't they get to have an opinion about whether or not pretty darn expensive classes are worth pinching pennies in other places? And even more fundamentally, how must that woman feel about fathers (and the father of her kid in particular) to stand right there in public and be so openly dismissive of them and him?

And can exercise and art classes really undo for that woman's children the low regard she has for the brain power of the opposite sex? It's really not that hard to grasp that the family might still be able to eat while the kids attend expensive classes, unless Mrs. Disdainful doesn't want to cut corners anywhere else to make up for it. So how does this reflect on her son's intellectual power? On her daughter's attitudes?

It's sad.

Baby fat

I am overweight. I have been for years. My husband and his family are not fat. I heard some concerned comments while I was pregnant that I might produce a fat child, particularly after one of the husband's cousins produced a (sweet, happy, healthy) fat baby only a year before ours was born. The experts were called out. The little baby slippers couldn't fit on her pudgy little ankles. She was wearing rolled-up toddler clothes as an infant. Fat like that.

So I would've hoped that everyone would breathe a sigh of relief when my daughter was born, and remains, between the 25th and 50th percentiles of weight in the archetypal group of standard babies. And then they could all SHUT UP. But of course not. They (meaning mainly my mother-in-law) discuss in great detail what the Bean eats and doesn't eat every single meal and snack that they witness.

Aren't you going to give her some formula "just in case"? (Just in case what?) Aren't you going to pump 4-oz bottles for her? That's the how much babies "should" drink each time. She's a "good eater" today, or not. She likes this fruit, or not. Don't we want to offer her some cheese? No? Well, then we MUST have fed her earlier. (Otherwise, what?) Thank God she's not fat like you-know-who (above). Why won't she sit with us for the whole time we are slowly eating and having adult conversation? Don't you have her on cow's milk yet? Soon you'll have milk in a cup, Bean, and then your mother can just drop you off over here! (No, I won't.) Why isn't she hungry?

And so on.

Now, none of the comments are really horrible, in my opinion, except the comparisons to her older cousin. What I think is a really bad idea is that the Bean gets to listen to all this, and while she is young, she is not stupid.

I myself was born normal weight. I remained thin until third grade when my parents divorced and my mother and grandmother started a tug-of-war over my diet. My mom insisted on low-carb all-natural everything, except on all holidays, birthdays and mom's-in-a-mood days, when absolute tons of chocolates would rain from the Heavens like manna. And if I wouldn't eat breakfast, she would force feed me. It's a wonder none of my teeth are chipped. My grandmother never, ever thought any of us ate enough, and would pester and pester about it. She would feed me basic, fatty, 4-food-group meals followed by huge desserts at every babysitting opportunity. And lie to my mother about it. And encourage me to do the same.

Result being that I became a seeker, hoarder, and binger of sweets. I would go crazy when visiting others' houses where guests were allowed to regulate their own dessert portions. I would steal change from my mom's purse if I thought I might get access to a candy machine someplace. I would eat sugar cubes or chunks of brown sugar if I could. I still enjoy eating sweets more when no one is around to see me, and I feel guilty when I don't leave enough for my husband to enjoy, because I feel like I have to get while the getting is good.

I always felt like every bite I ate was under a microscope to be examined and criticised by my family. I tended towards anorexia as a teenager, and as an adult have been unable to bring myself to place even a healthy amount of focus on what passes my lips. The way many women examine their diets seems so self-hating to me, I just can't do it. But I am overweight, and that brings health risks and self-image problems, and difficulties finding cute clothes. Or even comfortable clothes, sometimes.

I don't want this bizarre hyper-focus aimed at the Bean. I realize my family is on the extreme side in this, and in so many other ways! But I still think that a girl doesn't need to start hearing about whether her butt is fat when there is still a diaper on it.

I heard a recommendation awhile ago that is my current ideal: it is my job to offer a variety of tasty, nutritious food. It is the Bean's job to decide how much and when she will eat that food. I realize that older children need an education about food and exercise choices and taking good care of their bodies, but I think toddlerhood is a bit early for all that. And even if it were not, I don't think that the in-laws have any such educational goals in mind when making their comments. So I don't think my mother-in-law needs to run off at the mouth about what the Bean eats, while the Bean has to listen to it. I just can't imagine anything positive coming of it. So the question is, how and to what extent should I crack down on it? Time and my backbone will tell.